The Glitter Cult (My Coworker, Eddie, made up a new religion)
The Fourth Coming
of the Pride of the Universal Rupaul MaryLou Retton Glitz and Glam of GlitterGymnastics-ism
Tenants of the Faith: The Glitter Cult is a very sacred and sound religion, demanding the utmost in dedication and devotion from it’s followers. We hold to the ideals of the faith and strive to follow the outlines of the faith. Please know that any deviation from our religious scriptures WILL NOT BE TOLERATED*.
*(Please see Commandment #14 for further clarification)
Commandments of the Faith
- Thou shall always keep within easy reach something shiny, reflective or sparkly.
- Thou Shalt love sequins.
- Thou Shalt Believe in Life after Love, after Love, after Love, after Love…..
- Thou shall not go to parties that thou does not deign to go to unless thou are so hung over that thou needest the food intake or thou just needs the religious experience of “Hair of the Dog” and thou-est sees no reason to purchase thou’s own alcohol if it is being provided for free at an unpleasant party where thou can just get divinely hammered and thus forget the party ever happened to begin with.
- Thou Shalt love alcohol and all of the magic that comes with it. Thou Shalt understand that a hangover is the Deities way of telling thou that thou hath not drank enough. In order to fully understand thou must drink mixed drinks at every opportunity with complete impunity, morning, noon or night with no fear of retribution or of a backlash from our nemisis cult, Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Thou Shalt DANCE at every opportunity. Dancing in the Streets. Dance in the Sheets. Dance at work. I just wanna dance with somebody who loves me!
- Thou Shalt not regret. Regret takes up time that thou should be dancing.
- Thou Shalt flirt and make ‘eyes’ at cute boys whenever possible. Im addition, thou shall make out with cute boys recklessly and feel no shame in asking them to lift up their shirts so you can check out their pecs and abs. Orgies are messy, but sometimes necessary. Indulge in boys at least once a week.
- Thou Shalt Love Thyself, Cause if thou can’t love thyself then who the Hell can you love?
- Thou Shalt watch the broadway play “Wicked” and love it. Defy Gravity. Carry a broomstick.
- M&M’s and chocolate are a healthy food group and a perfect alternative to apples and granola. They make your coat shiny.
- Thou shalt make up relationships with famous people in order to make thyself look popular, and all in the cult shall believe your delusions of grandeur.
- Drugs are bad. Unless you mix them with alcohol, in which case it’s a party mix.
- Thou Shalt only break the Commandments up to thirty two times per week.
- Thou Shalt create new Commandments as Thou needest in order to stay glamorously moral.
- Anything served in an oversized martini glass is considered high class and elegant. It must be drunk immediately regardless of previous libations that Thou hath partaken in.
- Thou Must own at least three pieces of Religious Iconography:
Current Holy Items of the Faith:
Ruby Slippers
Glittery Tiara
Feathered Boa
Golden Lasso
Large Wearable Butterfly Wings
Anything made by Bob Mackey
HUGE Dolly Parton Wig
A conviction for Indecent Exposure in a Men’s Public Restroom
Male Back-Up Dancers
Anything David Beckham sweated on
Holy God-Like Figures of GlitterGym-ianity.
Cher
Madonna
Bette Midler
Elton John
George Michael
Cyndi Lauper
Freddy Mercury
Robert Smith from the Cure
David Bowie
Kylie Minogue
Miss Piggy
Annie Lennox
Dolly Parton
All the Golden Girls
Wonder Woman
The Charlie’s Angels
Shirley Bassey
Demi-Gods of the Faith
Lady Gaga
J. Lo (but only in the Waiting for Tonight Video)
Carol Burnett
That girl singer from Evanescence
Nichole Kidman in Moulin Rouge
High Priests of GlitterGymnastics-ianity
Tiffany
Debbie Gibson
Veruca Salt
Prairie Dawn from Sesame Street
Debbie Harry and Blondie
Beyonce
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Altar Girl
Dakota Fanning
The little boys from “Billy Elliot”
The Current Glitter Pope:
Grace Jones
5 months ago • 0 notes